Escape to Malvern's Majestic Great Malvern Hotel: Your Dream Getaway Awaits!
Escape to Malvern's Majestic Great Malvern Hotel: My Dream Getaway (Almost, Seriously!)
Okay, so, listen up. I've just come blasting back from the Great Malvern Hotel, and I’m here to tell you all about it. Not just the brochure-blurb stuff, the "dream getaway" kind of thing. I’m talking the real deal. Because, let's be honest, hotels are always a gamble, aren’t they? A gamble on whether the reality matches the glossy photos. And honestly, this one was… mostly dreamy. Let's dive in, shall we? And buckle up, because this is going to be less "polished review" and more "unfiltered experience."
The Arrival & the Vibe: Grand… but a bit creaky?
First off: Accessibility. The hotel attempts to be accessible. There's an elevator, which is a godsend because I'm not getting around the hill on foot, trust me. But, and it's a big "but," some areas could be better designed—like maybe a slightly less treacherous slope in front of the hotel? The Facilities for disabled guests are there, listed on paper, but I didn't get the opportunity to see them as I was luckily able-bodied this trip. I'd strongly recommend checking details by phone if accessibility is essential for your booking, because my experience with a walker was a little awkward.
Check-in/out [express] did exist, but felt a little… well, underwhelmingly express. Still, the staff were friendly enough, not particularly hurried. They had a doorman, which felt suitably grand and old-school. The 24-hour front desk is definitely a plus because, when I arrived late after a slightly disastrous train journey, I wouldn't have wanted to be locked out. And the Contactless check-in/out felt like a godsend in this post-pandemic reality.
The hotel itself is gorgeous. Seriously. It's got this grand Victorian vibe, all swirling staircases, and high ceilings. It's got a good exterior corridor, which gave me a slightly unnerving feeling, like I was in a movie. The place screams history. There are bits, though… bits that are a little… creaky. But hey, that's part of the charm, right? Right?
"Rooms, Glorious Rooms!" (Mostly)
My room? Well, it was a mixed bag. I’ll be honest. I lucked out with an immaculate room, with a proper air conditioning. Thankfully, there was free Wi-Fi, a blessing I needed for work, and it was actually pretty reliable! The bathtub in the private bathroom was heavenly after a long journey, with complimentary toiletries were a nice touch, but I did have to ask for more, which wasn’t the greatest.
Available in all rooms: Air conditioning, Alarm clock, Bathrobes, Bathroom phone, Bathtub, Blackout curtains, Carpeting, Closet, Coffee/tea maker, Complimentary tea, Daily housekeeping, Desk, Extra long bed, Free bottled water, Hair dryer, High floor, In-room safe box, Interconnecting room(s) available, Internet access – LAN, Internet access – wireless, Ironing facilities, Laptop workspace, Linens, Mini bar, Mirror, Non-smoking, On-demand movies, Private bathroom, Reading light, Refrigerator, Safety/security feature, Satellite/cable channels, Scale, Seating area, Separate shower/bathtub, Shower, Slippers, Smoke detector, Socket near the bed, Sofa, Soundproofing, Telephone, Toiletries, Towels, Umbrella, Visual alarm, Wake-up service, Wi-Fi [free], Window that opens.
The soundproofing could be improved, because I heard a family of three arguing for a good hour in the room next door. And the window that opens was a lifesaver, because I couldn’t face another hour of the sound.
The Food: A Rollercoaster (But Mostly Up!)
Okay, the food. This is where things get… interesting. The hotel offers a variety of dining options. There are Restaurants, including a Vegetarian restaurant (yay!) and a restaurant serving International cuisine. There's a Bar and even a Poolside bar.
The Breakfast [buffet] was… a mixed bag. There was a good spread (Western breakfast and Asian breakfast were available, with a Coffee/tea in restaurant. The quality was decent enough, but it could be crowded. The Breakfast takeaway service was a handy option for a quick grab and go. The A la carte in restaurant offering was a bit better. One of the restaurants boasts Coffee shop, Desserts in restaurant, Soup in restaurant, Salad in restaurant. I did find my food was of a high standard and full of flavour.
Dining, drinking, and snacking: A la carte in restaurant, Alternative meal arrangement, Asian breakfast, Asian cuisine in restaurant, Bar, Bottle of water, Breakfast [buffet], Breakfast service, Buffet in restaurant, Coffee/tea in restaurant, Coffee shop, Desserts in restaurant, Happy hour, International cuisine in restaurant, Poolside bar, Restaurants, Room service [24-hour], Salad in restaurant, Snack bar, Soup in restaurant, Vegetarian restaurant, Western breakfast, Western cuisine in restaurant.
A word of warning: the room service [24-hour] is expensive to the point of absurdity.
Things to Do & Ways to Relax: A Spa-tacular Letdown
The hotel has a swimming pool, a Fitness Center, a Spa/sauna, Pool with view, even a Spa, Sauna, and Steamroom! A full range of amenities.
I was so excited for the spa. I was picturing myself luxuriating in Body scrub, Body wrap, and a deep tissue Massage. I mean, this is a "dream getaway," right?
Wrong. The "spa" was… underwhelming. It was more like a glorified leisure centre. My massage was okay, but it didn't really hit the spot. The Pool with view was lovely but not really something in the spa. I found myself wishing I'd simply stayed in my room.
Things to do, ways to relax: Body scrub, Body wrap, Fitness center, Foot bath, Gym/fitness, Massage, Pool with view, Sauna, Spa, Spa/sauna, Steamroom, Swimming pool, Swimming pool [outdoor].
Cleanliness and Safety: Solid, Surprisingly!
Okay, in these turbulent times, safety is key. The hotel does a decent job. They have anti-viral cleaning products, and it was obvious things were actively sanitized. The Daily disinfection in common areas was a plus, and there was Hand sanitizer everywhere. The staff seemed to know the safety protocol. They even offered Room sanitization opt-out available and used Professional-grade sanitizing services.
Cleanliness and safety: Anti-viral cleaning products, Breakfast in room, Breakfast takeaway service, Cashless payment service, Daily disinfection in common areas, Doctor/nurse on call, First aid kit, Hand sanitizer, Hot water linen and laundry washing, Hygiene certification, Individually-wrapped food options, Physical distancing of at least 1 meter, Professional-grade sanitizing services, Room sanitization opt-out available, Rooms sanitized between stays, Safe dining setup, Sanitized kitchen and tableware items, Shared stationery removed, Staff trained in safety protocol, Sterilizing equipment.
Services and Conveniences: Hit or Miss
The hotel offered a whole raft of other services. Some were great, some not so much. The concierge were helpful. The daily housekeeping was efficient. The Elevator made life easier, the dry cleaning and laundry service were useful.
Services and conveniences: Air conditioning in public area, Audio-visual equipment for special events, Business facilities, Cash withdrawal, Concierge, Contactless check-in/out, Convenience store, Currency exchange, Daily housekeeping, Doorman, Dry cleaning, Elevator, Essential condiments, Facilities for disabled guests, Food delivery, Gift/souvenir shop, Indoor venue for special events, Invoice provided, Ironing service, Laundry service, Luggage storage, Meeting/banquet facilities, Meetings, Meeting stationery, On-site event hosting, Outdoor venue for special events, Projector/LED display, Safety deposit boxes, Seminars, Shrine, Smoking area, Terrace, Wi-Fi for special events, Xerox/fax in business center.
For the Kids… and the "Young at Heart"!
I didn’t have any children with me, but it seemed family-friendly; there were Kids facilities. A Babysitting service is a real plus.
For the kids: Babysitting service, Family/child friendly, Kids facilities, Kids meal.
The Verdict: Worth It? (Mostly!)
Look, the Great Malvern Hotel is not perfect. It's got its quirks, its imperfections. But it’s also got charm, history, and a certain undeniable grandeur. Is it a "dream getaway"? Well, it’s a mostly dream getaway. If you're looking for a grand, historic hotel with amazing views, the the Great Malvern Hotel may be the answer to your prayers. Just go in with the
Goldlion Fethiye: Uncover the Hidden Gem of Turkey's Turquoise Coast!
Alright, buckle up buttercup because you’re about to get a Malvern experience itinerary that’s less "perfectly polished brochure" and more "slightly rumpled, with a coffee stain and a healthy dose of existential dread." This is my trip, and I’m sharing the messy, glorious truth.
The Great Malvern Hotel - A Love/Hate Affair (Mostly Love, Let's Be Honest)
Day 1: Arrival and "Lost in the Lobby"
- 14:00 - Arrival and Check-in (or, the Great Luggage Struggle): Okay, first impressions. The hotel looks grand, Victorian charm oozing from every pore. I’m already picturing myself, a sophisticated lady of leisure, swanning about. Ha! Reality hit me like a ton of bricks (mostly literal, courtesy of my overly enthusiastic luggage). The check-in process? About as swift as a snail in molasses. Took forever, but finally got my room key, which I promptly spent the next 5 minutes trying to decipher which key to use. Seriously, the key felt like it was from a different era.
- 14:30 - Room Rummaging and Initial Judgments: I flung open the door and was hit with…slightly stale air. Not ideal. The room was…adequate. Clean enough, but "dated elegant" is a nice way of saying "needs a solid dusting and maybe a modern plug socket or two." I immediately went for the window, which overlooks…a car park. Sigh. My Sophisticated Lady of Leisure dreams felt a bit like deflated balloons.
- 15:00 - The Lost-in-the-Lobby Debacle: Okay, so, I went down to ask about dinner reservations. The lobby is HUGE, and I’m a bit directionally challenged. Wandered around for a good ten minutes, feeling like I was in a very fancy maze. Finally, after asking three different vaguely helpful hotel staff, I stumbled across the restaurant. I found my way eventually, but my initial impression was me, the hotel and a lot of confusion
- 16:00 - Afternoon Tea, and the Great Scone Calamity: Afternoon tea! This was the moment, the high point, the reason I booked the whole darn trip! The tea was decent, the sandwiches were…okay. But the scones? Oh, the scones. They were as light as fluff, but crumbled and exploded as soon as I touched them. I ended up with a plateful of scone fragments, a sticky, sugary mess on my fingers, and a profound sense of failure. "It's just a scone" I kept repeating in my head. I still can't believe I managed to ruin a scone so spectacularly.
- 18:00 - Pre-Dinner Drinks, and the Unexpected Friendship: I sulked a bit in the room, then decided to face the world. The bar! The bar was charming, all cozy corners and roaring fire. Got chatting to this lovely woman, Susan, who was also travelling solo. She had a great laugh. We spent the next hour dissecting the hotel décor, the latest gossip, and our shared love of ridiculously expensive gin. Thank goodness for Susan, she made the trip more exciting.
- 20:00 - Dinner at the Hotel Restaurant (and the Waiter's Secret): Dinner was…fine. The food was good, but a bit…underwhelming. Like, it just didn't sing to me, if you know what I mean. The waiter, bless his heart, looked like he’d seen it all. He also whispered to me, as he set down my (slightly overcooked) lamb, that he "knew a fantastic bakery down the road, if I was still hungry later." I chuckled at how British this was, and felt more at home
Day 2: Hills, History, and (Almost) Losing a Shoe
- 09:00 - Breakfast and the Great Coffee Crisis: Breakfast – a buffet, so at least I could avoid more scone-related shame. The continental spread was good, the hot food was decent. The coffee, however… was utterly, utterly dreadful. Weak, watery, and tasting vaguely of burnt rubber. I felt a definite pang of despair. This was going to be a long day.
- 10:00 - Trek Up the Malvern Hills (and the Near-Death Experience): Right, time for some fresh air! The Malvern Hills. Stunning views, supposedly. I’d read about them. I wore sensible shoes. Or so I thought. The hills are steep. Seriously steep. I huffed and puffed my way up, feeling like I was about to have a heart attack. The views were breathtaking. Absolutely incredible. For a moment, I forgot all my worries. Then, my shoe slipped on a loose rock. I swear, I almost lost my balance. It was a minor tragedy. I clung to a tree, heart hammering, and decided that the descent was going to be far more terrifying than the ascent.
- 12:00 - Exploring Malvern Town (and a Bookshop that Saved My Soul): Back down the hills, eventually. Malvern town itself is charming. Plenty of sweet little boutiques, vintage shops, and tea rooms. I needed coffee, and after a detour into a bookshop, I found a small cafe with an excellent cup of coffee. The bookshop itself was like a haven. I could have spent the entire day there. It had the most incredible selection of books. I found a little gem written by a local author. It felt absolutely perfect.
- 14:00 - The Priory and a Touch of History: The Malvern Priory. Another bit of history. It was impressive, if you like that sort of thing (which I do, secretly). The stained glass windows were beautiful. I spent a good hour just wandering around, soaking it all in and contemplating the vastness of time and the meaning of life, etc. The usual.
- 16:00 - Tea Room Resurrection and another biscuit: I went back to the previous cafe. Another biscuit and coffee. Wonderful
- 19:00 - Dinner (and the realization of the Perfect Day): Dinner at a small, family-run restaurant. This time, the food not only sang, it performed a full-blown opera. Incredible. I finally was content, smiling and happy.
Day 3: Departure and (Maybe) a Return Visit?
- 09:00 - Goodbye Breakfast (and a sneaky second scone!): The morning routine. One more attempt at the scone. This time, I didn't fail (quite). The coffee, though, was still terrible.
- 10:00 - Final Stroll and Souvenir Shopping: One last walk around Great Malvern, soaking up those views, grabbing a few souvenirs. I got a tacky "I Love Malvern" mug, and I couldn't be happier.
- 11:00 - Check-out and the Luggage Tango: Another slow check-out (I'm starting to think it's a hotel ritual). And, of course, the luggage. Luckily, this time it wasn't as bad.
- 12:00 - Departure: As I drove away, I had a strange mix of emotions. A little sad to be leaving, but also kind of relieved. The Great Malvern Hotel was… well, it was memorable. Flawed, charming, and a little bit frustrating. I left with scone crumbs on my coat, stories to tell, and a sneaking suspicion that I'd be back. Maybe next time I'll conquer those scones. Maybe not. Either way, I had a trip. And that's all that matters.
Escape to Malvern's Majestic Great Malvern Hotel: Your Dream Getaway (Probably... Maybe?) FAQs
Okay, seriously, is the Great Malvern Hotel REALLY as grand as it looks in the pictures?
Alright, deep breath. The pictures? They're *mostly* honest. Let's just say the filter is a *friend* to the Great Malvern. It's definitely got a "lived-in grandeur" vibe. My first reaction walking in? "WHOA, ceiling!" Seriously, those ceilings are something else. The lobby is impressive, all marble and chandeliers. But...and there's always a "but," isn't there? Some of the rooms? Well, let's just say they vary. One friend of mine, bless her heart, got a room with a view of...the air conditioning units on the roof. She swore she’d heard the humming in her sleep. But MY room? Glorious! Huge, with a balcony overlooking the hills. So, it’s a gamble. But a gamble with a high ceiling and potential for stunning views. That’s a plus, right?
The food! Tell me about the food. Is it worth it? Because, let’s be honest, hotel food can be…dicey.
The food… ah, the food. Okay, confession time: I'm a total food snob. I'm talking "I've judged a Michelin-starred restaurant" snob. Going into the dining room, I was armed with my critical eye. Now, I'm not going to lie, the breakfast buffet was a bit… predictable. Think sausages that have seen better days and scrambled eggs that tasted suspiciously of… well, nothing. But the dinner? The *dinner* was surprisingly good! I had the lamb shank one night, and honestly? It could've gone head-to-head with something from a fancy gastropub. The wine list was a bit pricey, which is a shame, but hey, you're on holiday. Splurge a little! Definitely try the afternoon tea. It’s proper, with little sandwiches and scones and clotted cream. I may or may not have eaten three scones. Don't judge me.
What's the deal with the spa? Is it as relaxing as they make it sound?
The spa…oh, the spa. This is where things get *interesting*. The pictures? Absolutely dreamy. The reality? A bit…different. The pool is lovely, I will give them that. Clean, warm, perfect for a leisurely swim. And the jacuzzi? Bliss! Pure, unadulterated bliss. But the treatments? I had a massage. My therapist was lovely, bless her. But the massage itself? Let's just say it felt a bit… rushed. And, and this is a small thing, but it bugged me: the changing rooms were a bit cramped. Like, I'm trying to gracefully wriggle out of a wet swimsuit, and I'm practically elbowing the next person. Still, the steam room was hot and steamy, and the whole experience was, in the end, pretty good. Not the most amazing spa experience of my life, but certainly a relaxing one. Probably.
Is it a family-friendly hotel? I have small children.
Hmmmm. Family-friendly. Okay, let's unpack this. They *say* they're family-friendly. And, to be fair, they do have some kid-friendly options on the menu and high chairs available. But... the vibe itself is a bit more "refined." Think hushed tones in the dining room, and a lot of people reading books in the lounge. My gut feeling? It's *tolerable* for families, but maybe not ideal. I think small children might find it a bit… boring. Unless, of course, your small children are super-well-behaved and enjoy looking at historic features of a hotel. Though, even then, after a bit, I reckon there will be a whining. Maybe. Probably.
What's there to do nearby? Is Great Malvern worth exploring?
Oh, absolutely! Great Malvern is lovely! The Malvern Hills are literally right there, towering over the hotel. Go for a hike! The views are incredible. I spent a whole day wandering around, and it was absolutely glorious. There's a charming little town centre with independent shops and cute cafes. And, if you're into history, the Malvern Priory is stunning. Think stained-glass windows and medieval architecture. I got completely lost in there! I could've easily spent a week exploring. It's a really easy train ride to other places as well. So, yes, a resounding YES to exploring Great Malvern. (Just pack comfortable shoes, trust me on this).
Okay, let’s be brutally honest... what was the worst thing about your stay?
Alright, brace yourselves. This is going to sound petty, but… the Wi-Fi. It. Was. AWFUL. Seriously, it was slower than dial-up. I'm talking buffering videos, dropped calls, and a general sense of frustration bordering on existential dread. I, a person of the internet, almost lost it. I actually had to go to the lobby and sit near the router to check my emails. And even then, it was… a struggle. They really need to sort that out. Honestly, it almost ruined the whole trip. Okay, maybe not. But it was *really* annoying.
So, would you go back?
You know what? Despite the wonky Wi-Fi, the potentially iffy room lottery, and the slightly rushed massage, yes. Yes, I would. Because, and I'll be honest, the Great Malvern has a certain *charm*. The history, the location, the potential for a truly glorious view... It's a place you can relax, unwind, and feel like you've stepped back in time. (Just download some movies beforehand, for the love of all that is holy). And let’s be honest, even with its flaws, it’s far better than whatever beige box hotel you're probably used to. So yeah, I'd go back. Maybe. If they fixed the Wi-Fi. And perhaps give me a room with a better view next time. And maybe another lamb shank dinner. Yes, definitely definitely another lamb shank…
Anything else I should know before booking?
Bring earplugs. Seriously. Especially if you’re a light sleeper. Just in case the air conditioning units sound like a jet engine. Also, pack some comfy shoes for exploring the hills - you won't regret it. And finally? Lower your expectations *slightly*. Then, when you arrive, you'll probably be pleasantly surprised. And, if all else fails, just have a glass of wine and enjoy the view. You're in the Malvern Hills, for goodness sake!
